so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
