The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
