ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
