Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
