I am spending my child support on dildos
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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