Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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