Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
