he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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