Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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