"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
