Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
