look no pants
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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