i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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