Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
