Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
