so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
