my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
