I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
soo... how was my night?
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