I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
