He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
