Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
