apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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