Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
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We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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