I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
