I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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