I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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