I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You are the jesus of drinking
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
