My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
