guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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