Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
