Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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