I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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