I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
