Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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