She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
