When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He shit in the fireplace
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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