My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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