My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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