If that was your dad, he is hot
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
