After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
