My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
