Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
