im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
