I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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