my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
