ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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