I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
