can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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