I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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