my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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