My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
