the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
