my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
